KISS vs. EVERYONE ELSE: Really Bad music, pt. 1

In 1978, when KISS played at the Memorial Coliseum in my hometown of Fort Wayne, Indiana my mom wouldn’t let me go. It took a long time for me to forgive her for that, but now I must express my deepest gratitude for her salient decision. You see, KISS is terrible. Awful, really.

Verily I say unto you that I am, fully, a metal apologist. No doubt about it--before Jerry G. and the boys got their hooks into me, I was a proud member of Metal Nation. I am far from being a KISS apologist, however, as they totally suck ass. I have a theory intended to prove that their suckiness isn’t just my opinion, but an objective fact. This corollary is not for the weak of heart, as I’m going to examine some bad--really bad--tunes here. Abandon all taste, ye who enter here.

Here’s the idea: think of the worst song you’ve ever heard. Got one? OK, now think of the worst KISS song you’ve ever heard. 99.99% of the time, the KISS song is worse. Don’t believe me? Read on.

Case 1: "She’s Like the Wind" by Patrick Swayze VS. KISS "Heaven’s on Fire"
Looks like an unfair comparison on paper, doesn’t it? It isn’t--Swayze doesn’t get a pass on this selection from the Dirty Dancing soundtrack. It’s not art, and to my mind the following lines are some of the most obviously hackneyed "poetry" attempted in the late 20th century:
She’s like the wind through my tree
She rides the night next to me
She leads me through moonlight
Only to burn me with the sun
She’s taken my heart
But she doesn’t know what she’s done


Pretty awful, right? Correct, but they don’t approach the level of horror put forth by Gene, Paul, and company. To be fair, the band's use of theological metaphor is rare in KISS land. Heavy-handed to be sure, it simultaneously evokes aspects of both C.S. Lewis' and Anton LaVey's relative humanist stances. In other words, a hamfisted comment on the duality of human sexuality. It doesn't get any more obvious than this:
Feel my heat takin’ you higher, burn with me, Heaven’s on fire
Paint the sky with desire, angel fly, Heaven’s on fire
Not only is the lyrical content suspect, but this has one of the ALL-TIME LAMEST excuses for a guitar solo ever recorded. Not to disrespect the late Marc St. John, but you’ve got to be kidding with that solo. It’s about as exciting as a root canal.


Case 2: "Barbie Girl" by Aqua VS. KISS’ "Lick It Up"
I’m not going to try and convince you that the uber-annoying "Barbie Girl" is anything less than one of the worst songs written by humans. Until squirrels or ferrets can get their shit together with ProTools, consider this to be the exemplar of all that is wrong with modern music. Grating and flat singing? Check. Putrid beats sampled from garbage cans or cash registers? Check. An overwhelming sense of entitlement, combining all the worst parts of materialism, self-centeredness and vapidity? Oh, hell yes.


KISS’ "Lick It Up" was infamous for its debut of the band sans makeup, which is scary enough. Also, their dunderheaded attempt at double entendre is just sad. Hey guys--for that to work, you have to be at least partially sly and imply something, not hit the listener over the head with it. They also get penalized big time for straight up redundancy in this tune as well. I don’t know what else to say, except that Vinnie Vincent is WAY better than Ace Frehley.


CASE 3: "I Saw Red" by Warrant VS. KISS’ "Beth"
I kind of feel bad for taking Warrant to task, as it’s tantamount to beating up on the elderly. Did anyone like them back in the day? I don’t remember, but I do remember this video getting lots of MTV airtime. It is a visual lamentation of a universally demoralizing situation: the emotional pain catching your lover en flagrante delecto with another. Hence, the seeing red and closing the door. Look, Mr. Cherry Pie, stop being such a puss. Get angry, do SOMETHING! Oh my Jeebus this is some serious schlock here:


The great irony of "Beth" is that drummer Peter Criss sings the damn song, and he is easily the worst vocalist in the band. Which is saying something. "Beth" also reached 7 on the Billboard chart and remains the band’s highest-charting single to date. I remember seeing KISS perform this live on the Jerry Lewis Telethon and wondering why they weren’t spitting fire and blood all over the place. Now THAT would have been kickass.


Ya see? KISS is always worse. Now, here’s a completely ridiculous Vinnie Vincent Invasion video for his non-hit, "Boyz Are Gonna Rock." Enjoy!